So, word on the street is you’ve been hanging out with 3DS again.
People have been talking about it for a while, but I wasn’t gonna say anything. I mean, it’s not really that big of a deal. You guys care about each other. You’ve been through a lot together. It makes perfect sense that you’d still enjoy each other’s company.
But, lately… uh, Nintendo, you guys have been getting to be a little too close. I know it’s none of my business, but man, I care about you, and I’ve gotta be frank dude… your behavior lately has been kinda embarrassing.
Remember a few months ago when you met Switch? You couldn’t stop talking about her for five seconds. I’m not gonna say it was “love at first sight,” but holy crap dude, you guys were perfect for each other. I mean, you still are. She’s amazing for you. Everyone loves her, we haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.
And I don’t wanna see you sabotage this new console because of your insecurity.
You recently announced the Nintendo World Championships 2017. When I saw that on Facebook, I was like, dude, awesome! It’s so great seeing my best friend do all this cool stuff with his new console!
…but… you’re not bringing Switch with you to the championships. You’re bringing 3DS. And Mario Kart 7.
Nintendo… are you serious right now? Here you have this brand new console, one that you’ve invested so much time and energy into marketing, one for which you’ve released some of the best competitive multiplayer games ever made within just the past three months… and you’re gonna ignore her and focus on a mediocre 3DS game that came out six years ago?
Look, dude, I know you don’t like to talk about it, but… let’s call it like it is.
You’re doing this because of Wii U.
I know you still think about her all the time. I know you’re struggling to get over her hurting you. I get it. But you’ve gotta realize that you don’t have to prove anything. Everyone is on your side, we all know it was unfair.
You treated her so well. Better than anyone else treated her. Better than that asshole Microsoft treats his consoles. And what did you get for it?
Poor sales. Unwarranted criticism. Articles about how you’d never get to have another console ever again.
You gave Wii U some of the best games you’ve ever made. You put in all the entertainment features and apps that people had been asking for without compromising that goofy interface that makes you special. You did something new and innovative with the controller—which, let’s not forget, your competitors tried to rip off.
You were so nice to her friends, too. You treated them even better than their own companies treat them.
And even when it was obvious that things weren’t going to work out, you still kept your promise to her that you’d give her a new Zelda game. Even though no one would have faulted you for just kicking her to the curb at that point, you still did it just because you said you would. You’re a good guy, Nintendo, and you deserve way better than Wii U.
Things just never really took off. Wii U was a little slow. She spent so much time being jealous of the good times you spent with Wii that she never had the confidence to establish her own identity and just be herself. It’s a shame… she thought she would make you happy by attempting to recreate one of your past consoles, but she just ended up holding you back.
Don’t you see where this is going, though? That’s exactly where you’re at with 3DS right now.
Like I said, I get it. When Wii U treated you poorly, 3DS was there for you. You tried giving Wii U one of the most phenomenal platformers ever made, and when she didn’t appreciate it… well, the inferior 3DS version sold a little better. 3DS reminds you of how happy you were with DS. She’s everything you wanted Wii U to be.
So I understand why you’re so attached to her. But you’ve gotta move on, dude. This new Switch console is something special. I know you know that. Everyone can see how amazing you are together.
But when you give your new Metroid game to 3DS instead of Switch… I worry about you, Nintendo.
I’m worried that you’re going to keep drifting between 3DS and Switch without ever really dedicating yourself to one or the other. I know, it worked out for you when you were younger, but you’re getting up there in years, buddy. You’re not the sexy new kid in town anymore. You can’t compete with Apple.
You’ve gotta settle down, dude, but I’m worried that what happened between you and Wii U made you afraid of commitment. I know it’s scary going all in on one console, but Switch is the one, man, and if you don’t realize how special she is, someone else will. We’ve all seen the way Sony and Microsoft look at her. They’re gonna go after Switch just like they’ve gone after all your other consoles, and if you don’t seal the deal now… well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Please. Don’t throw away what you have with Switch just because 3DS makes you feel comfortable. Consoles like Switch don’t come around very often.
She’s a keeper.